Writing


Week 7

Choose one of these story starters and write your own 1 - 2 page short story. 
DO NOT WRITE more than this as your narrative must be focussed and eventful - not long, rambling and pointless!

Remember to
  • PLAN
  • WRITE
  • PROOFREAD
  • REWRITE 
"Space station Zebra calling Interplanetary police!" the speaker in my police-craft  loudly crackled ........

or 
 It all started when my grandfather died. We were clearing out his house when I found a tiny, very old book wedged behind.......

or
"Come in!" called the strange lady as I stood on the doorstep; my school fundraising raffle book in my hand............




Prime Minister John Key explains why he thinks the All Blacks can give us a big clue on a winning design.
Last Saturday night I had the privilege, with more than 40,000 others, of watching the Bledisloe Cup decider at Eden Park.
Several things struck me about the night, not least of them the wonderful display by the All Blacks which bodes well for their World Cup campaign.
What I first noticed was the sea of black in the crowd.
There was a sprinkling of yellow - worn by a few diehard Aussie supporters who probably did not have a very good night - but black was dominant. New Zealand supporters had come with their passion, with their pride and with their black.
What I also noticed was that there were very few New Zealand flags in the crowd.
Most New Zealanders, I believe, do not think of the flag as their preferred way to display and share their sense of national identity. Besides, it's too much like Australia's - especially when New Zealand is playing against Australia.
Without being able to count the stars, how would people know whose flag anyone was holding?
I have the privilege of travelling all over the country and meeting thousands of New Zealanders. I reckon we are as loyal and patriotic as any people in the world. But very few New Zealanders fly the flag proudly. It isn't emblazoned on the T-shirts and backpacks of travelling Kiwis, and few would choose to wave the New Zealand flag at street parades and sporting matches.
I believe that's because our current flag reflects the way we once were, rather than the way we are now. In saying that, I mean no disrespect to the New Zealand flag. It has served us well. It has flown at the most important times in our country's history. It has flown to remember the servicemen and women who gave their lives for our country. It has flown at funerals, at national days and at Gallipoli.
It has flown when our sportspeople have won gold medals overseas at Olympic games. It flies at Parliament, from public buildings and on public holidays. But I believe a new flag can take the best of the past and project that into the future.
It can reflect a forward-looking, confident New Zealand that is asserting itself and building its own identity in the 21st century. Our flag can be the choice of New Zealanders rather than the 19th century adaptation of a British ensign.
I think that now is the time we had a national discussion and, for the only time in New Zealand's history, all have the opportunity to have a say in choosing our flag.
In the future, no one will remember or care who the politicians were when we changed the flag, just as they do not remember or care who the politicians were when we got our current ensign. It simply does not matter. All that is important is to ensure the decision is taken fairly and democratically. Many Commonwealth and other countries have changed their flags. While it might have seemed a big deal at the time, I bet none would choose to go back.
Canada's maple leaf, for example, is a powerful symbol of that country - instantly recognisable in a way its previous flag was not.
Changing our flag would not disrespect the New Zealand servicemen and women who served under it. Those brave New Zealanders did not fight for a flag, they fought for a country, for each other, for the people they left behind and for a way of life that included freedom of choice. Many lie in foreign graves adorned not by a New Zealand flag, but by a silver fern.
Last Saturday night I wore a New Zealand Rugby Union tie with a silver fern on it. On my lapel I also wore a silver fern because it, to me, symbolises this country that I love and so proudly serve.
The All Blacks' jersey had a silver fern on it, and around me were more of them. In a sense, the people have already spoken.
They have adopted a symbol that unites them as belonging to a young and proudly independent country that has achieved a lot and has more to do.
Our flag should tell that story.

Week 5 


Visit this website and pick two!
Contrast and compare those two personal preferences. Discuss their similarities or differences and write an opinion as to why they are your picks.
Record the preferences of three other people in your household.

Remember:
 PLAN - DRAFT - REWORK AND EDIT - REWRITE

Use this Level 5 criteria to reshape your writing 
I can use a range of strategies, when editing and proofreading, to check my
  • meaning
  • accuracy
  • legibility
I have achieved the expected standard to meet the success criteria
I have reviewed my text to ensure it meets the purpose
I have added extra detail
I have taken away extraneous words
I have used an appropriate planning strategy
I have acknowledged my sources of
  • information
  • quotations
  • any visual materials
I actively seek and respond to feedback from a variety of people

I make informed choices about how to present my writing (oral, visual or digital)


Week 2 Choose one of these four to write a one to one and a half page narrative.

  • A woman who is constantly calling the police about her noisy neighbours, not because the noise bothers her but because she enjoys the fight.

  • A person who wants to be a singer but has no talent.

  • A boy who teases girls because he likes them and doesn't want them to guess who he is.

  • An aerobics instructor who develops an addiction to junk food that is making her/him fat and threatening her/his job.

Success criteria focussing on Level 5 punctuation.

Use a wide range of punctuation appropriately. (That means you have to use the basics absolutely accurately !)

Try a colon, a semi-colon, a hyphen, parentheses, brackets or an ellipsis. 
Make sure that you punctuate direct speech in your narrative correctly too.

Highlight the new L5 punctuation you have used!
Write a reflection on your writing, telling about your purpose as an author.




Week 1 Write about packaging and the relationship between the outer, colourful wrapper and the innermost goods. The title to use is: 

Appearance and packaging count for everything.

Of course you can take a positive or negative stance on this topic. The expectation is you 
  1. plan for 10 - 15 minutes by researching what points you wish to discuss
  2.  write for 20 minutes THEN 
  3. show your proofreading skills.

Evaluate your writing, in discussion with another member of your family, and record which aspects you have achieved. Write this evaluation under your completed piece.

Level 5 Ideas criteria: 
  1. Express a wide range of complex ideas
  2. Make deliberate choices as to what ideas to use and when to use each
  3. Know my audience and use the appropriate language features to engage
  4. Select the appropriate voice, tone and register that reflects both my purpose and the interests of my audience
  5. Use my writing to explain concepts, a processes, phenomena,  theories, principles, beliefs and opinions
  6. Use rhetorical patterns to classify, compare, contrast, define or describe cause and effect.
Rhetorical Devices
Here are some examples to help you

Inclusive pronouns
 The enemy is advancing on us like a disease

Repetition
Most scientists at Cambridge University would agree that within years many, many species of butterflies in North America will be extinct.

Claiming special knowledge or authority
The world is on the brink of disaster, catastrophe is imminent.


Rhetorical Questions
When I was growing up, I often used to think about what would happen when this day arrived?

Statistics and Facts
Your help is so important to us; without it, we could not do our jobs.  Please do not let us down this time!

Vivid images
We must work together in order to achieve our goals and defeat our enemy!

Emotive Language
It has been said that over 90% of all students will suffer bullying at some time in their school years.

Anecdotes
Do you want your children to grow up in a polluted world? I'll tell you about when my family went camping and found.........

Playing on the listeners’ sense 
of guilt
Education, Education, Education! How important is yours to you? How wisely do you use your time at school?




Writing a conclusion

Use this as a guide to help you write a valid conclusion




Here are some presentations from Gallipoli inquiries

This is Mia's. She has researched how donkeys were used on the steep terrain of the Gallipoli peninsular.


Courtney looked at the uniforms worn by nurses and soldiers.



Mitchell has researched various combat sites

How are your Gallipoli Diaries going? I have writing from Steven, Courtney and Imogen- thank you!

Great writing from all authors of entries as added below. Why not add your comments too!

Remember its seven days of diary entries from a soldier or nurse in Gallipoli during 1915.


'For the Fallen' by Laurence Binyon



What does  good writing look like?
How do you know you are a good writer?


Read Imogen's and Courtney's Winning Writing

The Parade


Down the windy road we sped… Over hills, around the corner, almost there, and then we arrived. It wasn't hard to miss, really. The bright tents, the waving flags, the stalls, and what we came for: the parade.
Every year a fair comes to town, and all the rides and stalls are great, but what everyone comes for is … the parade!

We weren't expecting my little brother to let go of the lead; there was nothing we could do. Our dog, Charlie, ran out into the parade
Stumbling stilts, scared stallions, jumpy jugglers, angry acrobats, frightened frog tamers falling. The parade performers composed themselves, picked themselves up and all circled around Charlie and us, glaring eyes, fists out, demanding money and threatening to press charges. We ran for it.

My sister, my brother and I drove home in shame. We knew we weren't going to get away with it. The phone rang. Mum answered it. She wasn't happy.

Courtney Thomas


 ICE HOCKEY


Down the windy road we sped… Over the hills, around the corner, almost there. We could see it; the huge, looming stadium filled with half-drunk people ready to have the best night in history. Everyone knew it was one night that couldn’t be missed. So we were going too, Charlie and I, apart from one minor problem… we didn’t have tickets. We had hoped the security guards would be too drunk to notice us sneak past and grab a seat. Our plan crumbled as we walked towards the tall, menacing security. They took one look at our scruffy clothes and pleading faces, before sending us away, our hopes vanished!


“Hey!” Charlie hissed at me before pointing at a door that said “Restricted Personnel only”
“We can get in there, follow me” Charlie whispered, his eyes dancing with excitement. We surreptitiously walked over.The door was locked. Luckily Charlie knew how to pick a lock. The corridor inside was dim and we followed a sharp turn to the right. We found a control room with a view of the game. We watched intently as the teams whacked their sticks back and forth, gliding along the ice like swans.


We were too busy to hear the sound of footsteps, the sound of the door opening or an angry growl escape someone's lips. Startled, we jumped up and stood face to face with the security; although it was more face to bulging stomach, they were so big and monstrous. We ducked under their legs and fled to the car. Next thing we knew, the police were chasing us. We managed to lose them somehow between the windy roads and hills. Exhausted but relieved, we made it home in one piece.
“Have fun at Henry’s party, boy’s?” our mother asked. We mumbled a reply and retreated to our rooms. Although we would probably be busted, it was the best night of our lives. Something we would remember forever.


Then the phone rang, mum answered it, she was not happy.


by Imogen Logan, Room 20

46 comments:

  1. They are so good whats with the name charlie.

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    Replies
    1. Haha, no it wasn't, Imogen copied

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    2. And then we both coincidentally won

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  2. Write a 100-word diary entry from a soldier in the trenches in Gallipoli.

    Use the exemplars, discussed in class, to help trigger ideas about how these men felt and experienced their days in this confined space.

    Consider whether you are writing during summer or winter, day or night.

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    1. Dawn came. I lied awake in the trenches feeling as if my eyes had a 5kg sack of potatoes attached to each one.we fought through the night until the trigger was hot to touch. It seemed that both sides were attached to springs,one of us charging at the opposing trench then retreating for cover. At 6AM the roll was called. It was so heart breaking to hear name after name called and replied with dead silence with the background noise of explosions gun fire

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    2. Oops forgot the date it was May 11 1915.

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    3. Really good writing, Josh! one error, though - "lied" should be 'lay' but otherwise brilliant writing.

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  3. May 1st 1915
    The battle is still raging around us. I had my first wash today. It was splendid and refreshing! Everywhere I look, dead and wounded bodies lay. The fear of maybe being killed today is always swirling around in my head. It is still really hard sleeping. The endless noise of earsplitting bombs and gunfires make my stomach churn. That may also be because of the rations of food we receive each day. Our usual food is corned bully beef, hard tack biscuits and jam. Sometimes the bully beef is rotten, but we are starving so we eat it anyway. I just heard the officer call for me. I better go!

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  4. April 29 1915
    I am sick of the the cold musty trenches, they are bitter cold and muddy,
    however our commanding officer has announced that we have had an increase in food rations at that there were cries of contentment and joy. A further 50 men from our battalion were wounded and 10 killed. I find this is
    really not as much of an adventure as I thought it would be. I feel very weary
    because I haven't slept for days. Sometimes I feel the urge to creep out of the trenches and snap up some fresh air.

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  5. November 5 1915
    This morning I got my first swim whilst being in Gallipolli. Rumors have been spreading that the cove will be renamed ANZAC Cove after all of the hundreds, even thousands of men who have been shot down by the Turks. I have been hearing a few of my battalion call the Turkish 'Johnny Turks' for some reason. At the moment I have no time to ask them. Food here is very limited as well as water so going for a swim let me have a drink. The hard crackers are so hard one of my friends lost two teeth! Its about time I got back to my trench,
    Lieut. Smith

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  6. April 25 1915
    We arrived on turkish soil today. We were under fire by snipers the whole time. The battalion lost about 15 men and more than 150 are wounded. I hid under a jagged rock that stuck out of the edge of the cliff, praying shrapnel wouldn't hit me.We had to make a dig-out to sleep in. Shell fire is still raging on as I write this. We haven't returned fire yet, but I hope they stop soon. All I've had to eat is a hard biscuit which almost cracked my teeth and little water. There will be no sleep in Gallipoli tonight.

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  7. I hide in the trench my friends and follow soldiers surround me, the ANZACS are firing like crazy. Bullets fly across dead mans land, some hitting the walls of our trench others going to short. I came here to save my home-land not to fight for my life in this horrifying place. If I rot to nothing but bones, it better be for a good reason. We exchange fire. We've been fighting day and night 24/7. This was to be an adventure, instead it's a mass graveyard. A bullet hits my head.

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    Replies
    1. ahhh... Steven there's a couple of mistakes. Follow on the first line should be fellow and there's no dead mans land its known as no mans land

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    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  8. 29th April 1915
    This is my fourth day in Gallipoli now. The days are blending into each other now. If it wasn’t for this diary and my watch, I would be totally lost in the creeping time of battle. A Permanent gloom has settled over the battle field created by gunpowder and the smoke from shells. Yesterday we went over the top, into no man’s land at exactly 6:47am on the dot. I’m not going to lie; it was the scariest thing I have ever had to do, bullets flying everywhere and the screaming was nightmarish. Some men threw up before they could even leave the trench from fear.

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  9. A few of my comments have not been published on the blog does anyone know where they might be? One of them is my first ANZAC diary and my blog nae is ShArkie

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  10. 2nd May 1915
    I think most of the men have realised now. This isn’t a short adventure, it’s ongoing suicide. Our men are dropping like stones the Turks are too but less so. The smell of death of death lingers in the air; it seems that no wind or rain can dampen it. The smell is getting stronger by the day. Maybe one day I will be adding to that persisting odour with my face in the dirt. No-one has found the courage yet, to bury the dead, they lie there, untouched since the day they were killed. I guess that’s what they say, dust to dust, ashes to ashes.

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    Replies
    1. There's a mistake there: I repeated "of death"

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    2. I think that is really good I like the end,"dust to dust, ashes to ashes."

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  11. Today was landing day, straight away when we landed I knew something wasn't right. We ran up the hugely sloped terrain while many casualties occured. It was at midnight when we landed so it was very hard to see, it was torched. About 17 soldiers were killed and over 200 wounded and dying. We were under enemy fire the whole time.

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  12. I'll write another one just in case that isn't long enough.

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  13. May 1 1915
    I feel that a shadow stalks me every day it lingers in the air and scurries on the ground, it evokes the feeling of death. The attitude to fighting has decreased like burning embers being reduced to nothing but wisps of smoke. The men are weary and exhausted. Day by day I am growing sicker about seeing the endless list of fallen soldiers.This is no longer glory or adventure this is pure misery.

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  14. April 26th, 1915
    I only got a few hours of sleep, the rate of enemy fire was horrendous. We hadn't had any food for the last 20 hours or so but when we did get food, we got two rock hard biscuits that broke your teeth if you bite on them too hard and we also got a little bit of water. We pushed forward and after a few hours we conquered the Turkish outpost but then they pushed us back with reinforcements shortly after. That's when the trench digging began.

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  15. May 2 1915
    Shells hit harder every day. Our food supplies are decreasing to the the normal meal: hard biscuits and muddy water. I hope this battle doesn't last for much longer. The Turkish soldiers have been making some successful sneak attacks to annihilate our defenses so we must dig more trenches !.There seems to bean endless amount of trenches. Digging trenches is drudgery. My friend caught dysentery today he is in a horrid state. Our men seem to be falling like ripe fruit as we dig closer to Turkish territory.

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    Replies
    1. sorry about the spelling mistake its supposed be (be an) instead of
      bean.

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  16. May 5th 1915
    Today was great, we all had the chance to bathe in the water hole wich was the first bath I've had the whole time I've been in this God forsaken landscape.
    The Turks' shells shake the trenches to pieces and their bullets rip through the air above our heads. sometimes it's hard to get to sleep because of the smell of my former comrades rotting flesh. the only food we eat is bully beef and stale crackers but water is scarce. Some men haven't slept for days, but I'd better go I've another demanding day ahead of me.



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  17. May 3 1915
    Our commanding officer has informed us that there an increase in friendly
    air support which mainly consists of new Sopwith Tabloid reconnaissance
    planes. My friends dysentery has worsened majorly so he has been deported to Egypt. Turkish forces are advancing towards our trenches. Captain J.H Simmonds our commanding officer has been severely injured by
    shrapnel fire as a replacement we now have the grumpy Major
    Smith. His face reminds me of our Bulldog constantly barking
    brutal commands.

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  18. May 4 1915
    I have been having a gruesome, horrible time with Major Smith.
    He has been allocating brutal commands and issuing some of my comrades
    death penalty for as little reason as wearing our cap slightly tilted and
    other pointless reasons. A shell hit one of the trenches nearby followed
    by shouting from the wounded it was a terrible sight. Our machine gunner
    Private J.Franks killed 10 Turkish soldiers in return for the attack.

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  19. This is my last day but I did this one now because I've run out of ideas for the other ones so far.

    20th May 1915
    To Private Andrew Hadwins Family and Friends,
    My name is Private Finn Anderson and today ‘’Andy’’, as you probably all know him, is not here to write his last entry into his diary. As one of his only surviving friends on the battlefield, I feel that it is my duty to write it. At around 10:19am he was killed by a stray bullet that hit him right in the temple. I assure you he would have felt no pain death would have been instant. I have buried him with his comrades on the beach where this hellish war began. It’s his favourite place where he used to go sometimes and watch the sunrise.
    Private Finn Anderson

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  20. I will have a digital signature of Finn A at the end.

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  21. 26 May 1915

    Today the war raged on, we are in stalemate at the moment. The machine guns pounded to try gain the advantage, but they had no success. It was a really silly idea to come here, it is not the adventure I was thinking of at all. It is Spring now and the dew seeps into everything causing the trench floor to become like a bog. So many fellow comrades have died including David the next door neighbour. The food rations aren't very good, the biscuits are rock solid and the Spam is disgusting. I wish I could come home. I better go now the shelling has started up again.

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  22. April 26th 1915
    I've only been here for a day and I've already found this experience ghastly and depressing. What a fool I had been to lie about my age and enlist myself in this madman's adventure. When we landed here yesterday, instantly a dozen of us were shot down. The food here is good, bread, jam, some biscuits, cheese and bacon, that enough is able to feed a king but I daresay it will be the same in a few weeks. I don't know how I could manage a number of months here when I can't even manage a single night in this monstrous place.

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  23. The snipers precipitated the morning by shooting the enemies from behind masses of debris. I could hear gun shots and cries, both getting louder. The land doesn't naturally boast food and water; I'm struggling. As the day progressed more and more of us (soldiers) began to look drained but we proceeded as we had been instructed to. Many of us passed away today, memories I don't think I'll ever be able to subdue. Will this be the norm?

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  24. This is my fully edited and completed diary...
    29th April 1915
    This is my fourth day in Gallipoli now. The days are beginning to blend into each other. If it wasn’t for this diary and my watch, I would be totally lost in the creeping time of battle. A permanent gloom has settled over the battle field created by gunpowder and the smoke from shells. Yesterday we went over the top, into no man’s land at exactly 6:47am on the dot. I’m not going to lie; it was the scariest thing I have ever had to do, bullets flying everywhere and the screaming was something I cannot describe with words. Some men threw up from fear before they could even leave the trench.
    2nd May 1915
    I think most of the men have realised now. This isn’t a short adventure, it’s ongoing suicide. Our men are dropping like stones. The Turks are too, but less so. The smell of death lingers in the air; it seems that no wind or rain can dampen it. The smell is getting stronger by the day. Maybe one day I will be adding to that persisting odour with my face in the dirt. No-one has found the courage yet to bury the dead. They lie there, untouched since the day they were killed. I guess that’s what they say, dust to dust, ashes to ashes.
    8th May 1915
    Today I met an amazing man. His name was Jack Simpson and he was a stretcher bearer with the Aussies although he sounded like a bit of a Tommy to me. He had found a wild donkey on the dreaded beaches on which we had landed, in the early hours of the second day. He had named him Duffy. With Duffy he had continued to carry out his gruelling job and had been rumoured to whistle and sing all the while as though he was completely oblivious to the flying bullets and shrapnel that could mow him down at any moment.
    16th May 1915
    Today through the lens of a letter I caught a glimpse of the outside world. Past all the noise, fear and pain there was a world, I had to remind myself, where every second man didn’t want to kill you. I found the letter inside my bunker. It explained that my daughter was fundraising by acting in school plays and baking soldiers’ biscuits. She had sent me a couple of them in what looked like a bean can. Inside the cooked batter looked like someone had dropped a shell in it; it was obviously well travelled. It was still the best thing I had eaten in what seemed like an age.
    19th May 1915
    Today Jack Simpson was killed by machine gun fire. It shows that even the greatest men can’t escape the cold clutches of death in this place. Rumours are going around that he saved 150 men or more. Some mornings I have opened my eyes and then shut them again. But every time I reopen them I can still see the dead men’s lifeblood, still hear the groans of the living, still smell cordite and the fires that smoulder all around. The taste of stale under nourishing food never leaves and I can’t bury the ominous feeling for the day to come.
    20th May 1915
    To Private Andrew Hadwins Family and Friends,
    My name is Private Finn Anderson and today ‘’Andy’’, as you probably all know him, is not here to write his last entry into his diary. As one of his only surviving friends on the battlefield, I feel that it is my duty to write it. At around 10:19am he was killed by a bullet that hit him right in the temple. I assure you he would have felt no pain, death would have been instant. I was able to reach him and bury him with his comrades on the beach where this war began. It’s his favourite place where he used to go sometimes and watch the sunrise. I hope this reaches you before the telegram.


    Plus a digital signature: Pvt Finn Anderson

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  25. April 28th 1915
    This is horrible! I thought it would be better than this. We still haven't made progress yet against the Turkish, and I don't really think we're going to win this war because we're in the turkish territory, which is a greater advantage for Turkish. We eat crackers which is hard as a rock and tastes like nothing at all. We also get salty canned meat which makes me vomit because of extreme saltiness. Sometimes, when we get fresh bread, we get really excited and we fight over it. Hope we get back to New Zealand as soon as possible, and eat fresh and warm food.

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  26. April 24th, 1915

    Me and the other girls were to say the least, excited about going. I didn’t really know what I was in store for, but I had a pretty good idea. It may have been a war, but we got to travel the world! I never actually thought that I would be leaving New Zealand, as most women didn’t. Some of us were talking on the ship today, and one of the other women confessed she was only doing this to see her husband. Honestly, I found that quite the little love story. She would be lucky to see him live.


    An entry from my diary c:

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  27. 25th April 1915
    Today we landed in Gallipoli. It was to be the beginning of a great adventure for the many young men including myself. But it was a total disaster. The surging currents delivered us into a small steep cove right underneath the Turks noses, instead of coming up behind them with element of surprise on our side. All they had to do was pick us off from atop their hill. They would have seen us coming a mile off laughing at our every paddle stroke. Nothing could have prepared me or any of the men for what happened today. The gore around us brought bile to my mouth but all I could do was look away but I knew the pictures had been branded into my brain forever.

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  28. Replies
    1. What you thought in that piece was what many young men had probably thought that themselves

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